Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
