paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize