I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
