no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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