I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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