fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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