I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
