Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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