I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
