Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
it's like iHOP with fire
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
