dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
