Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
