I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
