We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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