Im at strip club and am horny
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
