I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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