are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
