All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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