I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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