she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
