her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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