i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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