checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
