I just saw a hot homeless man
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
