My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
