I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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