I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
