Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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