I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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