There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
