If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
