oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
