I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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