her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize