so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
