I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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