Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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