Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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