how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
