well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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