If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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