i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
