youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i dont even know how to be here
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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