theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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