you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
