My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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