i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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