I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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