I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize