I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
