I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Is Oprah even human
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
