he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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