I could make wine with my vomit
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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