Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
