I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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