I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
well I can't set my house on fire every night
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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