I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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