dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
