Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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