what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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