I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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