I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
So here I am, sexting at work.
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