All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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