We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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