He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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