We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Boobs are out for the taking
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
